When Should You Tell Your Children You’re Getting Divorced?

Ending a relationship is never easy especially when children are involved. Author and former health visitor Sarah Beeson MBE shares her advice on talking to children about a break-up in Red’s 10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You File for Divorce.

When should I tell our children?

Don’t tell children you’re planning on getting divorced if you’re just thinking about it and haven’t reached a decision yet but if they do ask you answer as honestly as is age appropriate. You want to keep the channels of communication open between you and ensure your children know they can trust you because if you do get divorced they need to able to talk to you about how they feel and believe you when you tell them how much you both love them and that the divorce isn’t their fault.

However angry, upset and justified you feel do not run down your partner in front of your child because this is very harmful to their self-image.

How will our kids cope if we do spilt?

Nearly all parents completely underestimate how much a child will blame themselves when their parents split up. Telling them it’s not their fault on a daily basis throughout the breakup and for a long time afterwards will help to reassure them. Don’t over play it, but with gentle words and touches tell them how much they are loved by both of you.

If you have a new partner it is best to wait at least six month before introducing them because a marriage ending is like a bereavement for a child and it takes time for them to adjust. Allow them to talk to about how feel and listen calmly to what they have to say.

Sarah Beeson’s MBE is a former health visitor and author of parenting guide Happy Baby, Happy Family and health visiting memoir Our Country Nurse published by HarperCollins available in paperback, eBook and audiobook.

Sarah Answers Mum’s Big Christmas Question in Mother & Baby

Sarah Beeson MBE is a former health visitor and author of Happy Baby, Happy Family (£9.99, Harper Thorson). In November 2017 Edition of parenting magazine Mother & Baby Sarah shares her advice on celebrating Christmas as a new family.

Question: We’ve always taken it in turns to go to my parent’s house and the in-law’s house for Christmas. Now we’ve got a baby, we want to stay at home, by ourselves. How should I handle telling everyone – I don’t want to upset them!

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay in your own home for Christmas. When it comes to telling your families you and your partner can work as a team by being positive, clear and firm about your decision.

First of all tell both families as soon as possible so everyone has time to adjust and adapt to the new arrangements. When you’re both relaxed and calm each of you could phone your parents to let them know what you’ve decided.

Let your parents know how much you’ve enjoyed their hospitality during past Christmases but that you both feel this is the time to start an exciting new chapter in creating special Christmas memories for your little one. Thank your parents for all they’ve done and if you’d like to make them part of the festivities maybe suggest a family tradition they can pass on in the build up to Christmas Day. Make it clear that it isn't open to negotiation and it’s a decision you
and your partner have taken together.

Discuss with your partner beforehand if you’ve got ideas on how your families could be involved. If they don’t live too far away maybe you’d like to meet for lunch or tea on Christmas Eve and go to a Crib Service with your baby.

Whatever you decide give everyone plenty of notice and don’t feel like the rest of your days have to be spent making everyone else happy. Do what you feel is manageable whether that’s having visitors on other days or going to stay with family for a night.

It may be next year you’ll feel like doing things differently but the way we spend Christmas doesn’t have to be set in stone. Whatever you decide be resolute and don’t get drawn into lengthy explanations or heated discussions. Try your best to be calm, clear, positive and thankful for the love you’ve received and will now give to your own child and enjoy your special first Christmas together as a new family.

Making the most of the last days of Summer

Sarah Beeson was delighted to be asked by Maggie & Rose to share a few tips on creating memories with your children over summer.

Children thrive on new experiences and summer can be a great time to do something new, revisit those long forgotten favourite activities or just have some relaxing time at home baking cakes and watching movies together.

You can help influence good behaviour in your children by keeping them topped up with fluids and healthy snacks. When you’re out and about a snack bag will save you money, time and the odd tantrum! The more exercise and fresh air they get the more likely they’ll burn off that excess energy and sleep better.

If the elements are against you it would be good to have some crafty activities up your sleeve but don’t feel like you have to be Mary Poppins. London is an amazing city with so much to offer children but not every day has to be a big adventure. Whatever you do, be part of it- you’ll benefit just as much as the children from a break and a change of scene.

Having a conversation early each evening about what’s in store for the following day is a good opportunity to set expectations and give everyone a say in what’s happening. Having a rhythm rather than a strict routine for the week may help. You don’t have to give them carte blanche on activity choices- present them with a few options and let them have a little bit of responsibility on the decision making.

Being positive and looking forward to spending time together is more likely to mean you’ll be in the right frame of mind to enjoy it. A few treats are always welcome but it is your love, attention and listening to your child that will make the biggest difference of all. Enjoy your summer!

Enjoy Sarah’s article and the rest of the Maggie & Rose Summer magazine.

Sarah’s baby advice book ‘Happy Baby, Happy Family‘ is a perfect read for new parents.

About sarah

If you’ve got a question about your LO check out Ask Sarah or get in touch.

Sarah Beeson is a health visitor and author of Happy Baby, Happy Family. She writes with her daughter Mumpreneur and writer Amy Beeson. Sarah’s memoir of training to be a nurse in 1970s London The New Arrival is a heartwarming true story published by HarperCollins.

Following your baby’s lead and slowing down (Gurgle Magazine)

Alison Tyler asked ‘Can slowing down make you a better parent?’ in an interview with baby expert Sarah Beeson MBE in this month’s Gurgle Magazine. Do you think gentle or slow parenting is your thing? Tweet @NewArrivalBook or Facebook us.

All aboard the SLOW TRAIN

“‘The pressures on parents today are immense,’ says health visitor and baby expert for more than 35 years Sarah Beeson. ‘We are more child-focused than ever, taking babies to classes, buying more toys, playing with them. And there is so much more advice out there it’s relentless.’

Join the slow lane

‘It’s about learning to trust yourself; you know your baby best,’ explains Sarah. ‘Almost all parents meet their baby’s physical needs, but we need to focus on emotional needs too. Don’t forget to voice the love the security that you give your child, right from the start – it’s the most important thing you can do.’

How to slow parent

‘From birth, children strive for independence. If you thwart them, they’ll become frustrated,’ advises Sarah. ‘Everything you do should be baby-led. Your job is to facilitate your child’s needs.’ She suggests all parents sing and play with their babies and young children every day, and offer lots of cuddles and love. ‘And read to your child from the start,’ she adds.

‘Children go at their own pace…All milestones are so wide – tick-box parenting isn’t healthy for parents or children.’

Don’t beat yourself up as a parent. All your child wants is love and security, so try not to get into the rat race. Sure, baby massage is nice, and support groups can be great if they’re sociable, but your baby doesn’t need them – remember: you should be having fun too.’

The result is a calmer, more confident and independent child – and more relaxed parents too. As Sarah so succinctly puts its, ‘Enjoy the moment,, every one. They go so fleetingly.'”

Sarah Beeson MBE is a health visitor and author. Her new parenting book Happy Baby, Happy Family: Learning to trust yourself and enjoy your baby is published by HarperCollins (4 June 2015). You can read all about her nurse training in her memoir The New Arrival: the heartwarming true story of a trainee nurse in 1970s London.

Why this generation of parents are the best ever #babyadvice

Parenthood in the Digital Age

Social media has changed how we see parenting. For some it is an opportunity to connect with other mums and dads, share stories and tips and have a laugh about the ups and downs of parenthood. For others it can be a constant blast of information, negative or upsetting stories, and the feeling that everyone is doing better than you.

You might see a lot of criticism of modern parenting styles and those who hark back to some golden age of childhood when being a good parent was so much easier when children were seen and not heard.

Check out my three questions to ask yourself about your parenting style at the end of this article.

Parenting is never going to be ‘easy’

Here’s the thing – being a good parent has never and will never be easy. Rewarding – yes, enjoyable – yes, but easy – no. Having a happy child doesn’t just happen by magic, it happens by you the parents creating a home for your Little One that is both loving and secure.

You are probably doing a hundred small things every day to give your child what they need both practically and emotionally without even realising it. There is no such person as perfect parent but there are millions of good ones.

Why today’s parents are so good

Quote from The New Arrival

After 36 years as a health visitor working with thousands of families I can honestly say that this is the best generation of parents I have ever seen. I’ve never known more mums and dads who are putting their children’s needs first and making them the centre of their world. Doing this isn’t spoiling children; it’s helping them to grow into confident and well-balanced members of society.

Previous generations loved their children but often didn’t say it. From Day One babies need to be told and shown how much they are adored with a stream of kind words, fun, hugs and kisses. For many this nurturing begins in pregnancy as mums-and-dads-to-be prepare and adjust their lives to welcome their new baby.

Unconditional love is the greatest gift – if every child had their emotional needs as well as their practical needs met think what a better place the world would be.

More parents work as a team

More and more couples work as a team, and for heterosexual couples there are more hands-on Dad’s than ever before. When both parents are commited to their child’s development and the everyday tasks of running a home, it’s a win-win for everyone involved.

Lily and her dad Luke

Luke Willcock, Dad to 14 month old Lily is committed to playing an active role as a dad and husband to Jillie.

“I wanted be the 21st Century father and husband my family deserved and it’s not the image of a father we grew up with. We do all our childcare between us.”

“My job has pressures, but when you get home you are truly needed, whether it’s rolling on the landing floor pretending to be a bear, picking up the 100th raisin from the carpet you hoovered not only an hour ago, or attempting to find the perfect shade of pink leggings to match that favourite bunny dress.”

“My wife and I are a team; the minimum you can do is make sure you child knows they are loved, they are safe and they can depend on you. It’s the hardest job you will love to do.”

One parent can be just as good as two

Single parents can meet their children’s needs just as well as couples but it is more demanding. As long as at least one carer is completely devoted to a child and gives them love and security there is no reason why they won’t grow to be a confident and caring adult.

My worry for parents doing it on their own is that it can be so tough to meet your own needs. When you don’t have a partner to talk things over with and have to make every decision on your own it can feel overwhelming, and having any time for yourself can seem like an impossible dream.

If you prioritise having some regular time to yourself you will be a calmer more giving parent for it (that goes for all mums actually). Having just 30 minutes to read or take a long bath are simple, free ways to rest your mind and put thoughts of caring, housework, money and work to one side for a little while.

Caring more can also mean greater anxiety

Today’s parents have so much on their plate – balancing work and home life in an economic climate where child care and living costs are soaring. It can be really tough and a big source of anxiety. Let me share a professional secret with you, good parents always worry they aren’t doing enough, that they made a mistake or got something wrong – do you think the small minority of parents who neglect their children do that? I’m sorry to say they don’t.

There is no exam that comes at the end of each of your baby’s milestones. Finding your own parenting style means mixing things up a bit and allowing flexibility into your daily life. Don’t ignore your gut, if it feels right then it usually is.

Have you noticed that with young children nothing stays the same for long? So concentrate on what matters to you and makes your baby and your family happy – be your authentic self, you don’t have to force your family to fit into a prescriptive method of childcare. (That’s quite a big ask I know, I don’t want it to be another stick to beat yourself with. Worry is normal and it only becomes a problem if it is stopping you enjoying daily life with your family).

Parents are some of society’s greatest unsung heroes

Working Mum Pippa Best

Pippa Best a working mum of two who runs Story of Mum a free community to let go of Bad Mummy guilt and boost confidence shared her take on parenting in the Digital Age.

“We try to be there for our kids whenever they need us, while enthusiastically demonstrating that they too can have it all – a happy family, a loving relationship, great friends, an exciting career, big dreams to chase after, precious me-time, enough sleep, and a tidy house.”

“And of course, it’s not actually possible to have all of that at once, so as well as feeling like we’ve probably made all the wrong choices, we’re left feeling guilty and inadequate because of all the stuff we haven’t done. And yet we still get up and try again – because a parents’ love is the ultimate motivator. Parents are some of society’s greatest unsung heroes.”

Three things to ask yourself about your parenting style

No one is PERFECT so in the words of Queen Elsa “Let it go” (our LO is all about Frozen right now).

You can’t control everything but you can you learn to trust yourself and enjoy your family time.

If you answered yes to every question you are a doing a great job.

If you answered no, I’d like you to ask yourself why that is? Can you make small changes to ensure you and those you love come first?

What do you think?

And one last thing – only someone who wanted to better understand the needs of children, whether or not you agree with me would take the time to read this. So just put those worries aside for a while, savour the moments and enjoy your Little One.

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By Sarah and Amy Beeson

After four decades as a health visitor Sarah Beeson MBE and her daughter Amy co-wrote The New Arrival, Sarah’s true story of life as a trainee nurse in 1970s London. Their follow up memoir She’s Arrived! and parenting book Happy Baby, Happy Family: Learning to trust yourself and enjoy your baby will be published by HarperCollins next year.