This is such a hard post to write, I must confess I’ve been putting it off. In week 10 of pregnancy I thought I’d lost our baby…and that our journey was over.
My Pregnancy Vlog
My To Do List
- Lie on the sofa and watch old episodes of T-Bag with Ava
Pregnancy Problems
- Metallic taste in the mouth
- Nausea and morning sickness
- Fatigue
- Headaches
- Spotting
Pregnancy Recommendations
- Space Masks (heated sleep masks) bought from their website 5 masks for £15 plus delivery. Love them. Want more.
Exercise
- Walking
- Yoga breathing and meditation
- Swimming
Diet
Whatever I could keep down. Sometimes stew or a pie, brownies, fruit and yogurt. The morning sickness was the worst it’s been I brought up entire meals instantly. I can no longer stomach soup, tea, blueberries, grapes, plums, apples or bananas it seems, chicken is evil. I cannot walk down the food aisles in the supermarkets. I can eat carrots and peas but don’t seem to really like them any more…all I really like is lettuce and cheese sandwiches. To be truthful I have very little appetite. (What is wrong with me!?)
How I’m feeling
It started off a good week. On Sunday when I turned 10 weeks we went for a long walk along the river and the air and the exercise helped my nausea. On Monday I took Ava swimming with a friend and her kids and we had such fun at the Pool in North Kensington. Ava was such a love, before my Katharine Graves hypnobirthing she closed the curtains and turned down the lights to create what she called “the illusion of calm.” She fell asleep on the sofa during the practice and I nodded off on the floor but I had persistent headaches all day and this horrible metallic taste in my mouth.
On Tuesday I worked, I worked really hard and didn’t finish until about 6.30pm. I thought maybe I’ll go for a bath before dinner and try and relax. I went to the loo and I saw what no pregnant woman wants to see, blood on the toilet tissue. An hour later there was more blood. I called the midwifery team and they told me to go to A&E. I called my mum at 7.30pm as we were leaving the house and I couldn’t hold back the tears. She immediately started getting ready to leave her home in Staffordshire and drove to London. We had to take Ava with us, Takie drove us to Chelsea and Westminster Hospital and we had to drive around the block a few times to find a metered parking space. All the way to the hospital in the car I couldn’t help but think, ‘I’m going to lose my baby. I want this baby so much. If I lose this baby the next person who says to me, “Ah, when are you going to have another baby?” I’m going to lose it.’ Because even though it was annoying and intrusive to be asked this before, it hadn’t been painful.
I felt awful having to wait in A&E so late with Ava and we tried to keep our spirits up and play Eye Spy, and Who Am I? We’d packed her backpack with books, snacks and a drink and she was so good. After we’d been there about an hour we saw a nurse who took my information and gave me the pot for my urine sample. I went to the loo, and my wee was now completely ‘rose’ and there was a more blood, not lots but more spotting than before.
All the time we were sitting there it was like I had a radar for other pregnant women, the ones in the same situation and they saw me too. I know they did even though we didn’t say anything. At 11pm we’ve been waiting three hours and I went to the loo. There was no more blood in my wee, and the spotting had turned to a rusty brown colour. I daren’t hope, I still had the pink urine sample to hand into the doctor. At midnight, after just over 4 hours we were called in to see the doctor. We’d been in our cubicle only a few minutes when I heard my mum’s voice in the corridor. I’d have never asked her to come all that why, but I’m so glad she did, not just for me, but for Takie and Ava too. She’s truly a blessing. Now I come to think of it why wouldn’t I ask her? Has she ever refused me anything? Of course she’d want to be with me. What is it about suffering in silence and not being a bother that is so ingrained in some of us. I must remember then when you need help it’s not weakness to ask for it; you’re not inconviencing people, you haven’t blocked them in their driveway with your car. You’re a human being who needs compassion and care, why would you deny yourself such a basic need? Surely being able to ask for help when we need it makes us stronger?
The doctor was very nice and booked me in for EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) at 3.30pm the next day. Waiting was awful, I tried not to cry but I broke down once, my nausea was so bad and I felt hopeless. Right before we left for the hospital I was incredibly sick. The EPU Sonographer was so lovely, I’ll never forget her – she was so human. Within seconds she told us the baby was fine. I could have hugged her. She said there had been a bleed in my uterus. Over the next week there was the odd bit of brown spotting…and then it stopped, and I pray I’ll never see it again. I know some women have it all the way through, it’s so distressing, you can’t help but worry. I’m so grateful. I am so thankful for the NHS. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I do think of the women I saw in the hospital, I hope it worked out for them too, and if it didn’t I hope they see a rainbow soon.
What I didn’t expect was on Thursday night that I had the worst night’s sleep. All the emotions and anxieties overwhelmed me. When it got to the early hours of the morning, I took out a Space Mask just to ease my head, to help me get some peace. I used quite a few in the weeks that followed. We all took it very gently for the next week or so, it was like we needed to regroup as a family, to hold each other close. This is probably one of my most rambly posts, and I haven’t crafted it, it’s written all in one continuous stream. Full of fear, gratitude and love.
Pregnancy Questions
This week my question for my mum (Sarah Beeson) was…
Q: When it feels like it’s all going wrong and you have no control – what can you do?
A: It may be very alarming and frightening when you experience bleeding in the first trimester of pregnancy; it’s easy to say, ‘keep calm,’ but so difficult to do. 20% of women do have bleeding during the early weeks and many go on to deliver a baby. Seek help and see your doctor or go to A&E Department for help and they will organise a scan to detect heartbeat and check what’s happening.
Share your feelings with your partner; don’t bottle it up. Being allowed to talk about your anxieties and having some gentle support may help. If you are facing things on your own be sure to let your midwife, doctor or the hospital staff know this so that you get some support from a local source or enlist a special friend to talk to. No-one should have to go through pregnancy and motherhood alone, leaning on people when you need to is vital to your own mental and physical health.
Pregnancy Tip
Ask for support from your partner, family, friends or health professionals. Having someone to share the highs and lows of pregnancy and parenthood is vital to your physical and mental health #10weekspregnant #pregnancyproblems #selfcare
About Amy
Amy Beeson runs Wordsby Communications and has a successful writing partnership with her mum Sarah Beeson MBE. Their latest memoir Our Country Nurse is set in a country village in 1975 and is bursting with stories of mums journeys during pregnancy and motherhood. They’ve also written nursing memoir The New Arrival and first year parenting guide Happy Baby, Happy Family. Amy is currently writing her first solo novel set in Wartime Staffordshire while Sarah pens advice for new parents on baby sleep, weaning and building a strong emotional attachment.